A Psychiatrist’s Top Relationship Tip

by:  Dr Russell Razzaque

Making relationships work isn't easy. Even the most balanced and accomplished people struggle with it. There is not a single pocket of humanity that is immune to this hardship. The degree to which relationship disharmony impacts society as a whole is undeniable - from divorce statistics to unwanted pregnancies to domestic violence. And the truth is, as we all know deep down inside, it will always be this way. But does that mean we should lapse into hopelessness? Should we just choose to avoid relationships altogether?

Far from it. The opposite, in truth, is the case...

Relationship turmoil arises as a result of our being human. But it is this same human quality that enables us to gain immeasurably by being in a relationship - making it possibly life's ultimate personal development program.

It all boils down to one simple equation; Need Vs Want. The ideal is to have the relationship we want, not the relationship we need. To NEED to be in any relationship immediately puts demands on it and pressure on the partner to conform to the shape of our needs. To WANT to be in a relationship, on the other hand, liberates the other person to be who they are. Then, if it doesn't work out it's nobody's fault. Need means you are extracting energy from a relationship, want means you are exchanging it both ways - because they could only be in it if they want it too.

So, is needing a relationship wrong? Well, that's not true either.

The fact is that as human beings a part of us all feels a need to be in a relationship. This is not abnormal. It is the most human thing in the world. Why? Because it all comes from our parents, and they got it from their parents and they got it from their parents.

The key here is that when a parent rears a child they are at the same time, almost universally, fulfilling a need that exists within themselves too - it's biology. As a result the parent won't always be fully present for their child all the time and consequently a sense of need for the mother (or father) will develop in the child. This then gets carried into his/her own relationships and is, in this way, passed from generation to generation. So it is human to feel a sense of need towards your partner. Very few of us are immune from this cycle. That's why you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. It is actually the very awareness of this sense of need that enables you to rise above it and so prevents it controlling you completely.

You won't always succeed - because it is such a deeply rooted part of you - but that should never stop you striving to perfect your personal life by moving away from relationships of needs towards relationships of wants - respectful and mutually empowering wants.

About the Author:

Dr Russell Razzaque is a psychiatrist in the British National Health Service. He qualified as a doctor from London University, is a member of the Royal College of Psychiatrists and in 2009, after years of development, he launched Sileotherapy; a stillness based online self help program teaching people to go beyond thought and realize their true potential:

http://www.meditation-therapy.net

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